It was a hellish time while the medical staff at Yorkhill tried to make Iona better, sadly she died 7 weeks later.

We all still miss her terribly, all the time.

Happy Birthday Iona.

I’ve though of loads of things to say and talk about on here, but it just didn’t feel right. I wrote so much about Iona on here, it felt wierd to think about writing anything else.

We still miss Iona, that’ll never go away, I honestly don’t know how Jonnie and Susie are coping being back in Inverness, I’d hate to be so far from family and old friends after going through what they’ve been through.

I guess i just needed to come back on here and write sometihng to break that barrier, I won’t forget Iona, ever, I can’t. She’s been such a huge part of this year for the family. Check that, she’s been such a huge part of this family. period.

Burying Iona at the start of the week (see previous post), beginning to deal with the emotions and thoughts that have come out of that whole crappy stiuation, dealing with some of the practical issues that needed dealt with, seeing friends and family, thinking of Andy Simpson, I guy I used to be really friendly with who died just over a week ago and was buried on Thursday. And on top of all of that my inlaws have been having their house redecorated so we haven’t been able to hang out there during the day, so we’ve spent most days finding places to go or finding friends to visit!

Everyone’s still hurting over Iona, obviously, but its wierd seeing the world continue on regardless. I know it may sound stupid, but a lot of us find it strange that the whole world isn’t crying for Iona. Know what I mean? Jonnie and Susie are still being remarkably strong. Sure, they have crap days, but they seem to hold themselves together really well. Especially seeing as its Jonnie’s sisters wedding tomorrow and his side of the family is trying to deal with all the emotions of Iona dying and all the emotions of an upcoming family wedding, must be a wierd paradox to be in. I feel a lot closer to everyone in the family through all of this, I suppose thats a good sign! We’ve all seen sides to each other that we haven’t before, and we’ve come out the other side stronger as a family. Thats the way I see it anyway!

I had a really good afternoon with Jonnie yesterday. We went into Teviot (part of the Edinburgh Uni Student Union for all you heathens!) and played pool for a couple of hours, then wandered about trying to find jeans that we liked! (A futile search…). While we were doing that, Andrew (Linda’s Dad) treated his women (Ann, Susie and Linda) to some beauty treatments to pamper and relax them. We’ve spent a lot of time this week at the B&B I lived at for my final year of Uni. Jan and Alan, the owners, are lovely people, they both have a wicked sense of humor and are just awesome! They also have an awesome black lab called ‘Bramble’ who I love and who loves me (because I like to throw balls for her to chase!). Spending time with them was ace, they’re house has such a lovely atmosphere to it.

We’re heading back up to Aberdeen tomorrow, we don’t really want to leave, but we know we have to get back to our lives. It’ll be hard being so far away from everyone again. But we still have one day left, so we’re going to enjoy that!

I was helping Andrew put new plug sockets and light switches in today. We did it the proper, safe way, taking care to rewire everything properly. Until I came across some dodgy wiring. It all looked fine, except that it gave me an electric shock and burned and blistered my finger, despite the electricity having been shut off for over an hour! That was a joyous moment, i’m just glad I had rubber soled shoes on and that I only brushed it for half a second!

Like I said, it’s been a wierd week. Still feeling really sad about Iona, but all this other stuff happening at the same time. I feel like I’m all over the place, I can’t even imagine whats going on inside Susie and Jonnies heads. Andrew got a Nintendo Wii for his 50th last friday, thats been a welcome distraction for us all. Jonnie, Andrew and I have great fun with the golf. At least, Andrew did until he hurt his leg and can’t really stand to play the Wii for the next wee while.

Feel like I’m rambling a bit now!

Peace out

Chris

We had a wee memorial service in Jonnie’s parents house. Jonnie and Susie had arranged the coffee table so that there were pictures of Iona, a clay imprint of her hands and feet, a lock of her hair, blankets Jonnies mum and sister had made her and some little boots and hats she’d worn. It was so sad looking at all of them arranged on the table.Thinking of all the precious memories I have of her and of all the dreams stolen away from us all for her future. Graham the minister taking the service, read out psalm 139 and a really sad winnie the pooh story, chosen because Iona had a lot of winnie the pooh stuff. He also shared some of the memories and dreams Jonnie and Susie had shared with him for today. Things such as Susie had been looking forward t taking her swimming (Susie is a great swimmer) and Jonnie taking great care and delight in washing Iona’s hair every morning and making sure it was just how she liked it. It was such alovely, but sad moment.

Then we went up to the cemetary. It was horrible weather, windy and wet. Perfect for making us feel worse than we already did! Susie carried Iona’s tiny coffin from the car to the graveside. Her and jonnie thought it was right that one of them did it, and Susie wanted to because she was the first to hold Iona and it was Susie’s arms that Iona died in. Once everyone was at the graveside, Jonnie lay a red rose on her white coffin, one of the saddest sights I’ll remember forever. Then Jonnie, his Dad, Susie’s Dad and myself lowered her gently into the grave. I wrote on Tuesday that holding after she’d passed away was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, I was so wrong, it was so painful lowering her down, watching her tiny white coffin getting lower and lower. Although it was comforting to think that her 2 favourite teddies were in there with her, Moo, her cow and Baa, her sheep.

Graham then lead a beautiful reflection, then the undertakers covered her grave. all the family then lay flowers at her graveside, Ann and Andrew (Linda and Susies mum and dad) lay flowers in a teddy bear shape, Linda and I lay an arrangement of pink gerboras, Jonnie and Susie had put the rose on her coffin, I forget what other flowers were there.

Many of us wore pink, as that’s the color we all associate with Iona. I bought a hot pink T-shirt specially to wear for Iona, which is now going to go into Linda and I’s box of Iona memories.

It’s been such a hard day, I didn’t ever want to say goodbye to Iona. It’s quite hard already, because a few people seem to think that the funeral is the hardest part and that it all gets easier from there. It doesn’t. i miss her just as much, if not more, despite having had the funeral. I pray that time will never ease the pain of her loss, I don’t want to dwell on it forever, but I know I’m going to hurt every time I think of her, I don’t want to become accumstomed to her not being around. Her being taken from us should never feel right.

A few people have told us that there is a reason for her dying, or that good will come of it. Fair enough, maybe good will come of it, but I refuse to believe that is the reason she was born and died. Iona dying is a tragedy, an injustice. I don’t want anyone to try and explain why she’s gone, how can there be a rational reason for all of this? It sucks. I want her back, we all do.

One of Ann and Andrews friends sent an email saying that when Christ returns and the dead and raised to life, Iona’s going to come running straight for Jonnie and Susie. I don’t care what your theological insights on eschatology are, thats a beautiful picture that made us all smile.

It was so sad to see Jonnie and Susie, all the family, in so much pain today, yet amazing to see how strong Jonnie and Susie are. I don’t know how anyone can be so strong after going through all they’ve been through. I was really touched by what Avril said in her post ‘memories’. It’s nice to know that some positives can come out of such a crap situation.
One fo my friends sent me this song via facebook today; its called ‘Homesick’ by mercy me, it can be listened to here: Homesick

lyrics are:
You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

I’ve never been more homesick than now

I can’t listen to this song now without filling up, it will forever be one of those songs that makes me think of Iona, along with ‘In the arms of an Angel’.

We’re all still struggling with this so much, we will be for a long time, thank for for reading this and for your prayers and whatever support you have given me/the whole family. I’m still going to be writing about this so muhc. Like i said, just because we had her funeral today, this is not by any means over for any of us.
Here’s a wee picture of her:

On Tuesday, after she had passed away. The nurses made feet and handprints of Iona, they also cut a lock of her hair for Jonnie and Susie, Andrew, being great with anything to do with Graph Comm turned those precious mementos into this lovely picture:

I may be repeating myself, but I, we, all miss her so much. I wish none of us had to feel this pain and that we could just have Iona back here with us. I want to hug her and kiss her, tell her that she means the world to me. I want to see Jonnie and Susie raise her, to nurture her, see Andrew be the amazingly sweet grandad he is. I just want t see her grow up being so loved by so many people. Just one of many dreams stolen from this family when Iona died…..

‘peace’ out

Chris

Jonnie and Susie have asked the family to choose flowers to lay at her grave on saturday. They’ve decided they want to lay a single red rose on her coffin, which will be white. Linda and I want to get pink gerberas(how on earth do you spell that!?!?) while Ann and Andrew are toying with getting flowers in the shape of a teddy bear for her.

Jonnie and Susie asked Andrew and I tonight to be pallbearers. We don’t have to carry the coffin to the grave but the 4 of us (Jonnie and his Dad too) will be lowering her down. I’m so touched and honored to be asked to do such a thing, but so scared too. I’m terrified of messing that part up somehow……..

It’s such a lovely feeling that they want me to be a part of that though. i know thats selfish, but it feels good to have something useful to focus on, other than hugging everyone as I do! It’s going to be such a hard day, even harder than all this week. We’re all dreading it, wishing it hadn’t come to this.

Heard a lovely story today from one of Linda’s good friends: Vicky answered the door to another friend Gill, who had come to tell her of Iona passing away. Gill just burst into tears which vicky read correctly as Iona dying. So they just cried and hugged each other. Joshua, Vicky’s 3 year old son came in and said “Will I not get to meet baby Iona then?” to which Vicky replied “No darling, i’m sorry”. Joshua just looked at the 2 of them and said “Don’t be sad then, Iona’s with Jesus, he’ll look after her”. Possibly not 100% acurate on what they said, but it’s such a lovely story and makes me fill up everytime i think about it.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and messages of support, they mean so much to us. We know so many people don’t know what to say, and we understand that. We’d rather hear from someone than have silence. The best phone calls Linda’s had in the last few weeks were with Vicky, they both just sat on the phone and cried together….

I just miss her so much, we all do. It’s amazing how close we all feel to her after 7 weeks of knowing her, kissing and cudling her, praying for her and talking to her.  Pray for Jonnie and Susie, they’re gonna need so much prayer in the coming days, weeks, months, years.

Peace out

Chris

(In pink, for Iona)

Iona’s being brought through to Penicuik by the undertaker today. She’ll be staying across the road from where Jonnie and Susie are staying. They’re planning to stay down here in Penicuik for the next month or so, maybe stay with us in Aberdeen for a wee while. I just can’t imagine how hard its going to be for them going home to Inverness. These next few days are going to be so hard for them, Though it has been lovely seeing the family come together to support each other through it all.

Thank you for all your prayers and messages off support, they mean so much. We’ve all been so touched by it. Our phones have barely stopped ringing and our inboxes and facebook accounts are overflowing with messages of support.

I recieved one really lovely message reflecting on how my Tag cloud reflects where Iona is, with God………

I just can’t express how we feel just now, utterly devastated, yet buoyed at the same time.

Peace out

Chris

Linda and I had rushed down from Aberdeen as soon as we heard that her support machines were being turned off, but made it just a few minutes to late to see her one last time before she went. We did get to hold her and say goodbye this evening, without doubt the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, or likely to have to do.

I feel so numb, I can’t believe she’s gone. I can’t believe this is how it ends. Why? Where the heck did God go? Why didn’t he stop this happening? I’ve never felt so much pain in such a short time before, never seen as sad a site as when I walked in and saw Jonnie and Susie cradling her body with tears streaming down their faces. I just want to take all this pain from them. Want to see them taking their wee girl home and being the amazing parents the are to her.

This sucks.

Maybe I can get some of the words out……..

I say it’s wierd, because I expect things with Iona to dominate my thoughts, and most days they do. I was speaking to Linda the other day, and realised I haven’t told Iona that I love her, I’m just so desperate to see her again so I can tell her, I don’t know why I haven’t……

….But some days other stuff works its way into my thoughts. Thoughts about other aspects of God, sports, work, Linda, sports, Linda, family, Canada…….

…….I miss sports. I used to be really active, rugby, football, American Football. It was a huge part of my life,  a huge part that I miss and just can’t fit into my life anymore I miss the camaraderie, the buzz, the physicality of it all. Some days I feel quite lost in everything thats going on, I used to feel that way at High School a lot, sports always made sense of it. 11 (or 15) guys, all striving for the same goal, the same victory, the same purpose. It was awesome, it still is. It was all so much simpler, when you have the ball in your hands, you’re in control, you call the shots. Even when you didn’t have the ball you had a certain amount of control over the game. I miss that too.

I’m not really sure why i’m writing all this, I just had an urge to write something somewhere, this seemed the obvious place.

Cheers for reading,

peace out

Keep praying for Iona

Chris

But a subject seems to have presented itself over the last 24hours. My niece, Iona Fraser.Those of you close to me know whats been going on with her. She was born this year on the 12th of August. Diagnosed 2 days later with a heart condition ( her Aorta was too narrow) so she was flown from Inverness to Yorkhill in Glasgow for specialist treatment. Since then its been a rollercoaster with her. Some days she’s doing well, other days she’s not so great. It’s been a real struggle fro the whole family, especially Jonnie and Susie (obviously!).

In a wierd way though, it’s been amazing to see how stongly Jonnie and Susie have bonded as a couple. Where they find their strength I don’t know(well, I do, but you know what i mean!). It’s been incredible watching them grow into such amazingly strong parents in such a strong space of time. I also can’t believe how much love I can have for her, I’ve only known her 5 weeks, most of which I haven’t been able to see her, but my love for her is so much I feel like I’m going to burst. I don’t know how Jonnie and Susie don’t explode with love for her, I just can’t imagine the love they must be feeling towards her!

The other thing is how we all view God in this. We’ve all been angry with him, confused why he’s letting this happen. I think Susie summed it up best. “It’s amazing how you can be so angry at God, but feel so close to him at the same time”. And it’s so true. Obviously Jonnie and Susie feel all these things to a stronger degree than the rest of us. We all want God to work in a more obvious way, in the way we want. We know in our head that he’s in control, but it’s hard to accept that when things are so bad.

I just hope this is all over soon and Jonnie and Susie can take Iona home for the first time. It breaks my heart to see them suffering so muhc, to see Iona constantly hooked up to machines. If you’re reading this and you’re a Christian, pray!!Please!!!

Edit: My favourite moment when I saw her today was being able to give her a wee goodbye kiss. As an Unlce all I want to do is play with her and cuddle her and bond with her, its lovely to be able to do that to a limited extent.